I want to go back to real life.
Sometimes everything just feels so false. So dead. So… Unreal.
I wish there was a way to just be.
My life, by most peoples standards, is perfect. I have a lovely family, good friends, enough to eat, a place to live, happiness and laughter.
But I’ve been given a taste of what it is to fully live.
It’s those moments. The ones around the fire, when people who really know what it is to be true, to love, to be themselves, are singing out their souls and hearts to the world. When you see someone you barely know and you can see their love for you beaming through their eyes. When you know that everyone loves you, really loves you, for just being yourself. When although to most people, everything is miserable, it’s raining, you feel rubbish, you hurt, you’re cold and you’re carrying half your weight for miles, you are still with the people who care for you and sing their way along and everything is really perfect. When you see what may be a simple plant to some but yet when you look in the eyes of another, you see the same passion for the earth and the awe at the beauty of nature. When you can feel really, truly at home in the wild.
So from those moments, back to ‘real’ life, everything just feels so stupid.
I have come home, from a place where all those things are real, and all the time.
What seemed so normal before seems false now. I love my family, and my home, and my friends, but all day, all night, I long for that beauty, that community. That love.
I just wish that there was a way to live that way all the time. I mean, at the moment I’m on a week long camp in the woods, for the day at least, and that gives me a tiny taste of Scotland. But only a little.
Soon, in eight days, school starts again.
I liked school so much. I still do. But being in Scotland… It just seems so bland in comparison. So false.
Even with my best friends, who I really love and trust, I feel like I act, I’m someone else. I don’t sing. I don’t talk to them about nature, even though to them it probably seems like I do. But certainly not as much as I think about it. I don’t express my feelings, my happiness, my joy.
Because that’s just ‘weird’.
If I burst out into song all the time, the way I wish I could, if I talked to trees more, if I stalked up on people more, if I talked about the things I really, truly loved, if I danced in joy at the beauty of this world…
Who would talk to me then? Maybe one or two, but still.
Not to get you wrong, my school is incredibly open to different people. I mean, I’m really strange, to most peoples standards, and I’m totally accepted.
But I hear what people say about other people. And I know, although it’s probably said about me anyways, as it always is with everyone, that I don’t want people to think of me in that way. I hear the scornful remarks about little things that shouldn’t matter. I hear so much, and I know that that is only the tip of the iceberg.
But then, if I go back to homeschooling, will the negative aspects of that outweigh the negative aspects of school?
For one thing, I’ll probably have not many friends again. When my two best friends left Ireland a few years ago, I was alone. Occasionally I would visit someone, be happy, then go home.
But now, with all the things I know, will that bother me any more? No more would I be stuck at home… I would be able to experience the world in it’s fullest, make things, discover, write, create, live.
Now I feel as if I am stuck in school, a little.
So maybe. I will stick this year through… But after that, who knows? 😉